Fear of Feeling

“I am independent.” “I like being on my own.” “I am not a relationship kinda girl.” Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…excuse, excuse, excuse. What these should say is “I have had to be strong for myself for so long that I can’t imagine allowing someone else to be strong for me and with me.” “I have been betrayed many times, how can I make myself vulnerable again?” “I am terrified of commitment.” “I have trust issues.” Oh, and most of all/most recently, “I really want to be with you but I am terrified of laying out hope and exposing my wishes, please stick with me.”

Then it happens…My internal “flight” sensors go blaring and I lose someone I truly care about because of fear, anxiety, and self-protection. I word vomit all the “what-ifs” instead of just knowing it will be hard, allowing myself to feel, and allowing myself to be cared for.

I never knew it was possible to be afraid of feeling, especially afraid of feeling good things. I have gotten so good at taking in the bad and dodging the punches that I have neglected the good. I got so used to having to be strong when I was depressed or anxious, and guarding myself so I didnt get hurt again that I didnt realize or practice feeling good, feeling happy, and feeling excited. I got good at pushing away feelings that are a part of me. Why do I run from it? I can’t escape things that are a part of me and that have so carefully molded the loyal, kind, loving person I am today. So how do I move forward and bring those feelings to life? How do I begin to feel again?

One of the most painful feelings to have guarded myself off of is love. The one thing I want and the one thing I apparently fear the most. Why is it such a scary thing? I don’t even feel scared talking about it and I know it is one of my most inherent qualities is how much I care and love. I guess for me loving on an intimate level brings up a lot of issues and insecurities, doubts and fears. It leaves me vulnerable as I open up and expose my desires of longing and companionship.

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One of my favorite actresses says it right. I am ready to not let fear hold me back anymore. It is hard to identify and hard to see when it is trying to keep us safe but when do you say enough is enough? When what you want keeps getting farther and farther, when do you say ok I am done running?

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