Commitment

Commitment. The word that I can’t dissect very well.

Is it fear? Is it not for me? Is it timing?

I feel a somewhat loss of independence. I struggled to be me and to be me with someone else. Couldn’t find the balance. Couldn’t settle. I am so used to being alone, depending on myself to be strong and to be my own advocate that it was hard to share the load.

Anxiety about making a choice. Feeling like it’s black and white; all or nothing; sink or swim.

There are people who enjoy the options. Some who just use the options until someone challenges them to stop trying to keep options open. Options seem to be a comfort;  a way to avoid breaking a cycle by letting yourself be vulnerable and get close to someone in a way like never before.

Why do I feel like I want options when I really don’t? I never realize the options that are around until I am faced with a choice of committing. Why do I fear so much when I care so much?

Frustration. Annoyance. Love. Pain. Comfort. Distance. Closeness…Confusion.

Commitment begins with me.

 

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